Gentleman's Guide to Not Sucking, Volume 2: Your Place

A quick way to break a budding romance is to invite her to your place for a home cooked meal, and fail miserably right out the gate.

From cooking mistakes, cleaning mistakes, to attire mistakes, and many many more, use this guide to not fail where failure is probable.

Find out what happens when you invite her to...

YOUR PLACE

Congratulations, you've managed to charm a woman enough on the first, second, or third date enough that she has agreed to traverse into your domain, to be fed a hearty supper, thereby allowing you to show off your skills in the kitchen - a very valuable set of skills to have.  However, many a thing can go wrong. As you probably know, an evening at your place will be far more complex than a knock on the door, serving of dinner, a kiss goodnight, and walking her to her car. The things that must be prepared are almost as meticulous as that of my first post, on your first date. Let's take a look at the steps to prepare your "pad" for having a female over as company. Here are a few categories I feel get lost in translation:

• Cleaning: Your bachelor pad should resemble a furnished model home. Sheets need to be clean, beds made. Clothes folded and not strewn about all willy-nilly. It would be wise, in my opinion, to not have the washer or dryer running when she arrives, as not to show how badly you procrastinated. The dishes should be done with the exception of the ones you are using to prepare dinner, and the table set. The biggest point of failure will be your bathroom. I am a firm believer that boy's bathrooms are seldom messier than women's, but we deep clean far less often. Make sure the towels are clean and folded, clean washcloths, etc. Make sure there isn't toothpaste splatters all over the mirror, and stuck to the sick. Make sure beard hair trimmings don't litter the counter. For heaven's sake, make sure the toilet is cleaned inside and out (bonus points if you clean the outside and back - I did have one guest that admitted to checking). Empty the trashes, and close the shower curtain. Make sure there's toilet paper. Hide this month's issue of "Motorcycle Trader". Your bathroom doesn't have to lose it's manly simplicity, nor does it have to succumb to decorative potpourri and flowers, just make sure it's spotless.
• Cooking: There are two routes to take: you can have dinner ready when she walks through the door, or you could cook for her there. When deciding which approach, take a few factors into consideration: what time is she arriving? If she is arriving at 9pm, chances are that waiting for you to put together a 4-course meal isn't going to be ideal as both of your stomachs will growl wildly, demanding sustenance. Are you confident in your cooking abilities? If so, you might want to have her watch you make dinner as you visit, as I have found most women are attracted to men that know their way around the kitchen. If you're terrible at cooking, you burn everything, and dinner is actually just Olive Garden takeout that you've dressed up on your mother's fine china, just have it sitting on the table when she walks in. As for what to cook, there are three big rules: don't make anything messy, spicy, or something you've never made before. You need to know exactly what you're cooking so you know it will turn out perfect, and you won't look like a fool constantly flipping through cajun reference texts, panicking as eight different egg timers ding incessantly. I recommend having two or three recipes in your arsenal that you have perfected (mine are ricotta stuffed shells and french onion soup). Also, make sure your pairings make sense. For my stuffed shells, I serve it with garlic bread and an Italian salad with black olives, carrot ribbons, kalamata olives, feta cheese, etc. Don't serve potatoes AND rice, etc. 
• Alcohol: You should know from previous dates if she likes a drink with dinner. I think very rarely, at least in my experience, is she going to expect you to prepare a mixed drink, or have a crystal decanter with 65 year old Macallan single-malt. Typically a nice bottle of wine will work. Be aware of basic wine pairings, and the more specific you can get, the better. If you know that a Chardonnay (a buttery, sometimes dry white wine) goes well with shrimp scampi and flaky white fish, fantastic. If you know that a Chianti is going to go with a steak, while a Zinfandel would be better with a pot roast, great. However, at the very least know that red wine goes with red meat, and white wine goes with fish. That will at least get you through the night. Don't buy a cheap bottle (please stay away from Barefoot, Carlo Rossi, and Kendall Jackson), $10-20 is probably a solid price range, but you can always go higher. Beer is fine if you know she prefers beer, but get a nice craft beer or local microbrew. Nobody likes drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon with a porterhouse steak. 
• Dessert: You don't have to make homemade dessert, you've already gone to the trouble and proved your worth with dinner. Ice cream is fine, and chances are her heart will melt if you procure from the freezer a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, her favorite flavor, which you know from gentle quizzing over the first or second date. 
• Activity: Because this is not a guide on how to engage in premarital relations, I will not comment on whatever debauchery follows dinner. However, assuming you, the reader, are a respectful Christian gentleman, I shall offer some gentle suggestions on potential fun after-dinner activities. 
• #1: Watching a Movie: This could very well be the first time you two have been alone, which can be a good time to break a couple barriers, and a movie does this well. Typically your date will never willingly select a movie, despite your extensive library of Steven Segal films. I find the best compromise is to have her select a genre she enjoys, and then you select the film, or perhaps just narrow down her choices between 2-4 of your personal favorites that you enjoy. Now once the film starts, assuming there is no bowl of popcorn between the two of you, there a are a couple cuddling approaches you may take. You might hop onto the couch, and immediately put an arm around her, as if that is what was expected anyway (high-risk, high-reward). The second option is to sit close to her, even though there is plenty of room to evenly divide the couch. This will show your intent to cuddle and/or hold hands during the movie, without being so presumptuous as to jump right in. How you advance from there is up to you. Now, the lowest-risk, lowest reward scenario is where you sit on opposite sides of the couch, and you quietly tell yourself between cold sweats that after this next scene you'll make some sort of move - despite how readily available her hand is for holding. 
• #2: Board Games: These are pretty boring. Save them for when you've been together for months or years and can't think of anything else to fill your time. Sure, they might be good ice-breakers, and fun activity, but no one wants to end a nice romantic evening over a game of Chutes and Ladders (anyone still play that? did anyone EVER play that?)
• #3: A Walk: If you live in a  nice neighborhood, it's not too dark, and the weather is nice, an after-dinner walk could be quite rewarding. The same hand-holding rules apply as in the movie-watching scenario. This situation gets much better if you have a fun dog (and if she loves dogs) to walk with you. Also, an after-dinners walk could bleed right into number four.
• #4: Stargazing: Pretty self explanatory. Find a nice grass field free of large accumulations of moisture, and watch the stars. At this point, you can let your inner-nerd shine a bit and she shouldn't mind - so brush up on basic astronomy and know which constellations and planets you can see from your viewing spot. Also, same hand-holding and cuddling rules apply.
• Frequently Asked Questions:
• What if she falls asleep during the movie?
• Good question, friend. Assess the situation as best as possible. If she lives with parents, or concerned roommates, it might be best to wake her up at the conclusion of the movie with a  cup of coffee so she is more alert to drive home. If she has had a couple glasses of wine, offer to drive her home and then bring her back to get her car tomorrow (assuming you are safe to drive). Another option, typically the last, is to let her sleep over in your bed, while you be a chivalrous gentleman and take the couch (remember, you cleaned the sheets). This is typically the last choice because of the impression it gives to others, and the implications for inappropriate things to happen (again, I will not comment on any debauchery, because that is not my intention or creed).
• Uh oh, I burned the food! Whats my backup?
• Easy there, partner, mistakes happen. Theres not really going to be any hiding it, so the best thing to do is laugh about it. Keep a couple take-out menus in a nearby drawer, or even have a backup reservation made just in case. If she likes you enough to be there, she'll find it humorous as long as you don't let it get to you. Humor is key, mi amigo.
• She's allergic to the food! 
• Do some recon ahead of time, and know her allergies. If an unknown allergy occurs, taking Benadryl as quick as possible can lessen the symptoms. If they go into Anaphylactic shock and their throat starts to close, get them to medical attention as quick as possible. Hopefully if she has an allergy that intense, she will have an Epi-Pen, probably in her purse. There will be instructions on how to use it if she is otherwise incapacitated. 
• I have a roommate, but I want the house to myself!
• If you have a roommate, he's probably a good friend, and will understand. If you feel really bad, throw him a twenty to go catch a movie or a beer with the rest of the guys. However, you must still respect that it is his place too.

Be careful as you traverse the murky waters of having a female into your domain. The entire situation is high-risk, high-reward. 

Just remember, cook well, converse, and clean: no one thinks your underwear hanging off of doorknobs is cute. Not even your mother. 

Have any other questions, or a topic you think I should cover? E-mail me at benblogsthings@gmail.com

Gentleman's Guide to Not Sucking, Volume 1: The First Date

I've always wanted to do a  post like this, so I'm going to do a few.

Here's part one of an indefinite series designed as a how-to for dudes 18-30 to not suck at dating.

It's the darker, more technical side of hopeless romanticism, and if you do it right, it might not be hopeless at all.

You'll either find this very useful, remotely useful, not useful, or just sad and hilarious: "That ginger can't go on that many dates"

Anyway, here's part one...

THE FIRST DATE

Step One: Finding a Date

Theres no solid way to do this, but there are some good things to keep in mind. Essentially, there are a group of things that you always have control over. If there is any "secret" or "way" to do this, it's to make sure you're always exploiting the things you have control over.

•  #1: Your Physique: Unless you're in prison, homeless, or have serious health issues, you have relative control over your health and body. It's no secret that physical attraction lords over the dating world now, and not being unsightly is definitely within your control. It's not that you shouldn't be ok with your body, it's that it's not ok to be so ruthlessly unhealthy. Put down the twinkies, soda, and beer - pick up some chicken, salad, and a protein shake. Gyms aren't that expensive anymore, mine costs $10 a month, and sidewalks are free to run on.
• #2: Your Hygiene: I don't have much to say about the basics: brush your teeth 2-3 times a day, wear deodorant, and bathe daily. Basically embrace whatever your mother taught you. When it comes to facial hair, the less the better. You may find that most girls disagree, and love beards. But rarely will you find a girl that not having facial hair is a dealbreaker for her. Much more often you'll find a girl that it is a dealbreaker if you DO have facial hair. My advice: keep it neat, or cut it off.
• #3: Your clothes: Don't wear clothes that boast any sort of video game, company logos, political statements, or bands: if you don't know her well enough to already have a first date, you don't want to risk wearing something that could potentially offend her. Wear clothes that fit well: not too baggy, not too tight. Lastly, know your colors: if you're pale skinned, stay away from oranges, greens, yellows, etc. Stick with darker colors. If you're dark skinned, or tan, make the neons work for you. A great guide can be found here: http://mensfashion.about.com/od/wardrobebasics/a/colortips.htm
• #4 Chivalry isn't dead, it's just different: Don't follow the old ways of Rock Hudson (I know he's gay) and Carey Grant. Don't approach girls at a coffee shop, grocery store, or bar unless you're extremely confident you've mastered the above, and are expertly charming. Nice guys don't necessarily finish last, but neither do jerks. Find a good balance you're comfortable with. Treat her well, but don't let her walk all over you - which will happen if you let her. 

I can't help you with much more on getting the date. If she doesn't like you, she doesn't like you. Move on. From here on out, assume she said yes.

Step Two: Prepare the Date

• #1: Set the Time: Don't set it for any later than 8pm or 9pm. You're not a stock broker, you're not living on in Manhattan. This isn't a guide to get you laid, and if you attempt to set it much later than that, she'll know that's what you're up to, she's not stupid. At the same time, don't set it for any earlier than 6pm, this isn't a family dinner. 
• #2: Make Reservations: Make sure you don't go anywhere crazy cuisine-wise: steer clear of ethnic food, messy food, and seafood. When you make the reservation, tell the host/hostess that it's a first date. They will typically pick a better table, and make sure that you're given the adequate amount of attention and seclusion, and be sensitive to the situation. Lastly, my personal quirk is to make two separate reservations. One at your first choice restaurant, and one at your second-choice backup restaurant for 30 minutes after the original. This ensures that if you and your date are running late, or something terrible happens, you have a backup. 
• #3: Clean-Up, Dress-Up: Run through the basics: Shower, shave, trim your nails, put on deodorant. It you wear cologne, don't go overboard. Make sure your clothes make sense for the restaurant.

Step Three: Starting the Date

• #1: Pick-Up, or Meet-Up?: Always, always, always offer to pick her up - this is optimal.  However, always, always, always respect the fact that she might not feel comfortable being alone in a car with you on the start of a first date. If she wants to be picked up, arrive no later than on time, and no earlier than five minutes early. If you meet at the restaurant, arrive as early as you want, but if she asks, you've only been there for a few minutes.
• #2: Doors: Open all doors for her. Car doors, restaurant doors, etc. If you can't get out of the car in time to open the door to let her out, thats fine. But if you have the ability to open a door, do it. (Note: Do not open bathroom doors)
• #3: Music on the Drive: Play neutral music quietly in the background. You want to talk, not jam. 

Step Four: The Actual Dinner

• #1: Seating: The waitress should know that it's a first date if you told the hostess when you made the reservations. If its a booth, don't sit on the same side. If it's a table, sit directly across. If there is a seat with a view, take it discreetly, don't let her have the view: her attention needs to be on you. It doesn't help you if there's something more interesting going on outside. 
• #2: Ordering: First off, be extremely nice to your waiter/waitress. Most women will see this as an indicator of how you treat others. Order an appetizer. Do it, just do it. Make sure it's something she wants. If she won't tell you what she wants, order something neutral with a small chance that she'll hate it. When it comes to drink orders, let her order first, don't order for her. If she orders alcohol, you can order alcohol (Note: don't have more than one drink). If she does not order alcohol, you do not order alcohol. As for ordering the main course, don't decide for her. Gently question what she wants, and when she makes a decision, remember it, and place the order for her. As for dessert, always order a dessert to share, under all circumstances. I don't care how full you are. If she won't share what type of dessert, just get something chocolate. Very rarely can you go wrong with chocolate. 
• #3: Conversation: Make sure the entire conversation isn't about you, or her. Ask questions, but make them interesting questions. Steer clear of favorite movies, food, music, etc. unless the conversation makes it's way there naturally. Question her about things she likes to do that are creative. Writing, making music, painting, etc.  Steer clear of conversations regarding politics, religion, or social issues, unless you know for sure the passion is matched. For example, if you met at church, Young Democrats Club, or an NRA meeting, you can probably talk about those topics. Also, there's a concept called "Mirroring" used by marketing teams to build subconscious trust with their clients, in which they will mirror their clients' behavior in meetings. Neat thing, it works great on first dates. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If she crosses her arms, you cross yours, etc. A great article for more detail can be found here: http://www.usreference.com/sales_and_marketing/advance_selling_building_trust_by_mirroring.shtml
• #4: Paying: Don't ever let her see the check. As soon as they bring you the check, grab it, set it down on the seat next to you. Don't break eye contact, or stop conversation. Don't look at it when they bring it to you. You need to play it off as if the check is no big deal. If it's clearly a date, she won't offer to pay. When you go to pay, just slip your card in the folder without looking at the total. Tip well, but don't clue her in on the total. (Note: always carry how much cash you think you'll need for the date, but don't use it. Use it only if you card doesn't work. Even if you have plenty of money, things happen, and a backup is always great)

Step Five: Post-Date

• #1: After-Date Activities: Do something fun, but make sure it's in keeping with the tone of the evening. Don't go to a five star restaurant and then go rock climbing or mini golfing. If your date was fancy, I recommend a quiet wine bar, a walk through a park in a good neighborhood, or stargazing. If your date was less than fancy, mini-golfing might be fine.
• #2: The Door: Walk her to her door. The only thing the movie "Hitch" got right was the first kiss scene. If she lingers, you've got a fair chance that kissing her is the right play. If she goes right in without a second thought, you probably don't have a shot at a kiss, but there is always date two, don't force anything. 
• #3: Follow-Up: Text her and thank her for the evening, and make plans for date two, I recommend something active that may or may not involve food. By now you've probably learned enough about her interests that you can accurately plan a successful second date activity.

Hopefully this works for you. Or it doesn't you fail miserably, and are alone for the rest of your life. 

And just remember, the phrase "Plenty of Fish in the Sea" doesn't apply to you if you suck at fishing. 

All Hat and No Cattle

Knowing I’m adopted, sometimes I feel like I miss out on the positives that come with the Almand bloodline (those of you who know my family are quietly chuckling). My great-grandmother was a Whitacre, and my great-grandfather was an Almand. The famous trait the Almand bloodline inherited was charm. The famous “Almand charm” is a phrase passed around at family gatherings and loud, boisterous phone calls. Sadly, charm alone doesn’t make you money – nor does it actually exist in the Almand family, at least in the traditional sense. What does exist, however, is the famous Whitacre work ethic. Whitacres would be known to work out on the ranch or farm until their bones were 90+ years old, and riddled with various forms of cancer and emphysema. They would collect eggs, milk cows, and mend fence until their hearts would carry them no further.

Not only are Almands aware of their work ethic, but also boast it as necessary trait for success. My great uncle Hubert Almand wrote a textbook for a business class before he passed away that is still used at the University of Miami to this day. He joked that the tome was done so well as a guide to true business, that they only took out one chapter, “Chapter One: Hard Work”. Well, the University of Miami hasn’t been the only ones who have tossed out hard work. We all have.

In a world now dominated by technology and social media, we’ve all been given numerous outlets to forgo the hard work of relationships, and take shortcuts. This might have been fine at first: lets not forget how easy smartphones have made it to take pictures of happy couples, send short cute messages, or leave long apologetic voicemails. However, I truly believe that what started as mere convenience has led this generation to unshackle the traditional forms of chivalry, and rather embrace this warped, sexual, manipulative sense of romance that has been hastily adopted.  And now, what started as a well-formed idea of a blog post will slowly digress into an angry commentary on how terrible we all have become:

Why is it that in the good old days (whatever decade this is to you, it really could be any), divorce rates were so low, but now they are so high? Why is it that the concept of ruining the sanctity of marriage is so readily associated with homosexual unions by the media, and not the heartbreak of divorce? In the good old days, husbands would hold their wives hands in the hospital until they were gifted a second sunrise, or, God forbid, a bitter separation - and now the main reasons for break ups and divorce as found in a study by the University of Utah are: lack of commitment, lack of equality, and infidelity?

Don’t get me wrong, if you are a divorcee due to verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse of you or your children, or you are a victim of infidelity, I don’t look down upon your decision at all. Exceptions can be made.

Moving on.

What happened to opening the car door, and not just the front door? What happened to meeting her parents before you take her out? What happened to flowers after a successful first date? What happened to phone calls and letters, which have now been replaced by cryptic Facebook statuses and snippets of conversations via Snapchat? Why is it now that being Facebook official is the only indicator that it’s not acceptable to cheat, and that you are now “going steady”?

I’ll tell you exactly what happened. We got lazy. Sex has become more commonplace outside of committed relationships, and less taboo in every age bracket. Why do we even need commitment if we can just satisfy our primal urges with just a few clever words on Tinder? What used to be set plans for dates have become tentative plans in case you find something better. What used to be working towards intimacy with someone you truly care for has become silver tongues and tequila on Ladies Night.

We’ve just…stopped working hard. We’ve taken the shortcuts and the backdoors, and we’ve gotten really good at it. Dating is a game, and commitment is game over.

So who do I dedicate this post to? Those parents still together. To the prom king who didn’t get his date drunk for a higher chance to score. To the guy that asked her to dinner, showed up on time, with a small bouquet of lilies – and a large bouquet for her mother the first time he gets invited to dinner. Respect to the couple that worked through the insecurities from previous relationships together, through open communication and hesitation to judge. Mad props to those who didn’t let baggage slow them down. My heart goes out to those that suffer through long distance, in-laws who hate them, and friends who disapprove. Shout out to those that rose to the challenge of becoming a pseudo accountant to not let the lack of cash flow put pressure on him and his bride.

Please, boys and girls…lets be men and women. Lets not let some statistic defeat us. We’re the next generation; let’s set an example our children will be proud to follow. 

Stop being “all hat and no cattle”, as my father would say.

“You can’t get there by bus, only be hard work and risk and not quite knowing what you’re doing. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.” – Alan Alda

Let’s get to work.

Into Darkness

One time, I dated a girl that did something I find quite comical…she had a tattoo in white ink on the back of her neck.  Not that a tattoo on the back of the neck is a bad thing, but what it said eventually struck me as odd. We had been talking for a couple weeks and had gone on a date or two when she told me about her tattoos over a mid-day texting conversation. I asked her what her tattoo said, and she replied without explanation, “Dans Les Tenebres”.  I remembered back to my high school foreign language requirement and recognized it, of course, as French.  In an attempt to appear intelligent and impressive, I messaged Mrs. Powers, my old French teacher and told her about the tattoo, hoping to tell this pretty girl that I did, in fact, know exactly what her tattoo meant. Mrs. Powers, was concerned to say the least. She explained that the literal translation was “Into Darkness”, however, when the word “Tenebres” is used in that context, it refers to a shadowy, evil darkness – rather than a literal darkness, or a figurative unknown. I instantly feared her, and her potentially evil tattoo. On the other hand, she was really really pretty so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Turns out, she did mean it in the figurative, adventurous sense rather an evil manifestation of where she stored her broom and cauldron. However, because of her beauty, and my determination to not strike out in the first inning, I did not burst her bubble (but I did secretly hold it against her).

Her unintentionally evil misquote of a French phrase did actually get me thinking about the phrase itself, “Into Darkness”. I became intoxicated by this concept of a different realm, manifesting itself as different versions of ourselves.  That’s what I want to talk about today. So thank you, intentionally nameless girl who I didn’t end up with because you cannot build a relationship on attraction alone, thank you for giving me this week’s topic. I can start now.

Last week, my close friend Bryan Betz appeared as a guest writer on this blog. If you haven’t yet read his post, I encourage you to. In his post, Bryan pointed out something quite humorous: when you get married, you’re actually marrying upwards of six people: your blushing bride, and her whole family.  As I get older and date more, I start to notice that when I start dating a girl for any period of time, she’s dating ten people.  Ten versions of Ben.

As I mentioned multiple times in other posts, I’m a firm believer that people change when they are in any impactful relationship. We grow for the better or worse, shaped by our experiences and mistakes (usually more by our mistakes). Every time a mistake is made, or a feat is accomplished – you create a new layer of yourself, carefully piled on top of who you already were.  I guess the kids are calling it “baggage” these days. I fear that term does not do who we are justice.

Very few people think far enough ahead to do or not do something to the benefit of their future husband or wife – rather, we live impulsively. We create these new versions of ourselves, clothed in the mistakes of our past, living exclusively in darkness.

As soon as you reach your hopeful stopping point in the form of that pretty, sun-kissed, sun-dress draped, cowgirl boot-wearing bombshell, you date her. And she dates you…and all the versions of you.  All the versions created by your mistakes. Maybe not right away, but eventually she’ll have to deal with your long list of sexual partners and your emotionally stunted views of long-term relationships because of your inability to escape from a high school alpha-male mentality. She will have to deal with the drugs, the alcohol – and all the tales that stalk you from some shadowy place you hope to not return to.  

We all know it to be true. A virgin cannot date someone with 15+ sexual partners and not feel inferior, insecure, or inexperienced.

Someone who does not drink cannot date someone who struggles, or has had struggles with drugs or alcoholism and not feel a slight tinge of superiority. 

Your layers of personal shadows and tragedy lead to layers of darkness being placed jointly on the couple, eventually distorting the original layers of the things we love: the attraction, chemistry, and connections that define two people as compatible.

So what do we do? We all have these layers that we want to shed (people who think they aren’t defined by their past need to understand that they are, in their own words, essentially infants), but we cannot.  Does that mean we should quit and not trudge forward? It’s an easy solution, and not one that I necessarily condone, or condemn. If you feel like you bring too much worldly darkness to the table, maybe you should be alone, honestly.

On the other hand, some of us want the sun-kissed, dress-draped, boot-wearing bombshell, despite our layers. So I suggest you pick yourself up by your own bootstraps, and go get her…

Heh. If only it were that easy. Guess what? Virgins don’t have to date those who embrace promiscuity. Teetotalers do not have to date a person with problems with alcohol, and drugs, or even someone who has struggled at some point in history. If your bombshell is one of those people, then you might just  be out of luck.

I could be a sexual deviant. I could be a alcoholic, or addicted to narcotics. I could be emotionally stunted, horrible at commitment and loyalty. I could be abusive. I could be all of these things, and so could you.  You could carry around layers and layers of darkness, that lurk in the alleyways that you pass as walking hand in hand after your first date at the museum.  As one of these people defined by these haunting inequities, I want to share a dream with you. A dream of how I wish things were…

I dream that honesty actually transpired, often. I dream that vulnerability existed in both men, and women. I dream that once comfort is achieved, we could share our layers, share our demons. I dream that as we walk down the brightly lit street together, passing dark alleyways, we would walk back to back, vigilantly scanning the darkness for each other’s demons – never letting them approach.

I dream that we would follow each other, back to back, into darkness.

Guest Post: Bryan Betz, "Christian thoughts on Singleness"

GUEST WRITER: BRYAN BETZ

Being the Hopeful Romanceless that I am, I, like many of those who put “Single” as their relationship status nowadays, am inclined to declare that those who are married or in committed dating relationships are the lucky ones. People who have significant others are more fortunate than people who don’t. Simply put, “Taken” people are happier than “Single” people.

I mean, it’s easy to say that, right? Taken people can have conversations whenever they’d like, sex whenever they’d like, and stare deep into each other’s eyes whenever they’d like. That’s social, physical, and emotional satisfaction right there! In fact, I hear you can do all three at once, hypothetically speaking… I haven’t experienced this myself but I have married friends who talk WAY too much.

Taken people tend to pick on us single people as well. They don’t mean to, but they do. Those of us Singles who are getting into our mid-to-late twenties and even thirties hear about it all the time. It gets worse as we get older because we have way too many people pestering us about our love lives.

To clarify, I am not saying Singles have it worse than Takens. Marriage isn’t easy. The way we view it, prepare for it, and handle it, only makes things more difficult. You don’t just become responsible for yourself, but you have a responsibility of a spouse, and kids (if you had too much fun together). In a committed dating relationship, specifically one that has been going for a while, you can have some of those responsibilities as well (hopefully not all of them though). People become complacent and, without getting too much into it (I would rather tackle “Taken-ness” another time), people get tired. They get lazy. They get distracted, and some even forget why they fell in love. How do you forget something like that? Rather than confronting the issue, or even just putting that little extra effort to express our passion for our loves, we make excuses.

I think a lot of us don’t realize that we use a specific excuse that I want to make light of. I actually realized I’ve been using it a lot lately. Whenever I’m having a bad day, wrestling with all the crap life is throwing at me, people ask me what’s wrong. If it’s someone I’d rather not share with, my response is usually, “Nothing,” which isn’t the right answer. Why not just say, “I’d rather not say, but I appreciate you asking,”? Why not make things simple?

Coincidentally, my other response to the question is, “It’s complicated.” But honestly, it isn’t. I am lonely. Work is tough. My relationship with family isn’t where I want it to be. I miss home. I want to hold hands with a pretty girl. I finished my coffee ice cream and now I have none. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with people I love.

The proper response should have been, “Life is difficult.” It is difficult to tell you because I don’t want to be vulnerable. It is difficult because I don’t want to share details that would put more weight on my already heavy heart by reminding myself of just how burdensome this all is. So, I end up refraining and running away from these issues and running away from you. We do this to people who care - our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our wives, our husbands.

If the way you have been viewing relationships, dating, finding a significant other, etc. has not been working, then that is why I’m here. Not to try to change you or “fix” you, because I can’t. I’m just offering a new lens to filter all of these things through so you can see them more clearly, or at least from a different perspective? 

The truth is, relationships are far simpler than they appear on the surface, and if you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, there are a few things that should be understood. First and foremost, find someone who loves God - who truly strives to put His will before his/her own. It’s honorable when someone commits to putting her husband or his wife first, but pursuing Christ regardless of whether or not both his/her needs and desires are met will always be worth waiting for. A man or a woman who will put God before you, regardless of how long you have been together or how madly in love you are with each other, needs to be the first non-negotiable when looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.

To clarify, I don’t want to just give you red flags and send you on your way. I think when pursuing a relationship with someone, God should be at the forefront of your mind when making that decision (or any decision, really). Still, some of these things could be a determining factor of whether it will be a healthy relationship with someone or not.

Find someone who honors their parents, and has a great relationship with them, especially guys who have a great relationship with their mother, and girls who have a great relationship with their father. Ladies, find a guy who treats women well, a track record so to speak of good, positive relationships with the opposite sex. Men, I encourage you to find a woman who honors her father.

When you marry the love of your life, you don’t marry just one person. In fact, on your wedding day, six people get married. You marry your in-laws. Unfortunately in today’s society, it is hard to find families that are together, and people whose parents stayed together - so often there is a void in their life. So we need to be honest with ourselves and each other, confront our issues and seek God to make us whole. A significant other, no matter how in tune with Jesus he or she is, is not going to complete you.

If you are looking for a relationship to fulfill you or even to make you happy, you have a distorted view of what being in a relationship is all about.

God created men to be cultivators. When He created Adam, He saw that in order for Adam to be the cultivator he was designed to be, he needed help. So God created Eve out from Adam. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone so He creates the woman and in so doing creates marriage. For man to be all that He needs him to be, He gives him woman and woman combined with man will make him the cultivator, the creator, the man He wants him to be.

I think a lot of believers have a terrible perspectives on dating. You have those who go about pursuing women like they used to pre-Jesus, at bars or clubs or what have you, and then you have those who go about relationships according to really bad Christian dating books. I hate over generalizing and putting people in boxes, but it’s just a dumb blog post get over it.

You have these people who are too desperate and impatient to find their future husband or wife and they look in all the wrong places and look for all the wrong people and they go about it in all the wrong ways. Then there are other sides of the spectrum[s?] where people are stagnant and they think that God is going to bring them someone to their doorstep. Unfortunately, I have heard from Christian circles that if you are single you are supposed to not want to get married, but be content in your singleness. Instead of actively pursuing a life that is glorifying to God’s design for you as single person - to become one with someone else in marriage, you are led to believe that once you find contentment in your singleness, He will bring you Mr. or Ms. Right. I’m tired of seeing so many lazy men just waiting for God to bring a hot girl to them like a hot pizza delivery. Men have become lousy lovers, but that's a topic I’ll touch more on when I talk about takenness.

To the single ladies, there is nothing wrong or sinful with desiring a husband. Nothing. Don’t listen to those who tell you otherwise. God wired you for that, why would that be a feeling or desire that you suppress? Men, same for you, there is nothing wrong or sinful for you desiring a wife.

You do need to be content with where you are today, just as much as you need to be content with what God is doing in your life today, but God delivered you from the crappy person you were yesterday, and you can count on Him to finish the mighty work He began.

It’s okay to want a husband. It’s okay to want a wife. We were designed for this. God says when man finds a wife, he has found a good thing!

Personally, this frustrates me. I have been one to settle for my singleness and I have been one to lie and make excuses about my contentment and there are these two voices that are conflicting with one another, one saying, “Be content with where God has you,” and the other saying, “God needs you here and you shouldn't be content until you’re there.”

We just need to seek that balance. “God loves us just as we are, but loves us too much to keep us there.” My old mentor’s wife told me that once and it’s been in my head ever since. All of these things, they aren't just applicable to how we view and handle our relationships and dating, it applies to every compartment of our life.

We do need to be honest with ourselves, and each other. The things we think will happen when we finally enter that relationship we've been dreaming of...are not going to happen. Married couples will tell you all the lies they used to tell each other: "Oh pretty soon we're going to be in each other's arms", "Ahh it's going to be wonderful, and we're just going to look at the moon and cuddle and communicate," "I'll just rest in your lap while you read me poetry or psalms or songs of Solomon it's just going to be wonderful." These are some people's expectations for marriage...and then they get married, reality smacks them in the face - and they've become disillusioned.

You find that your wife has morning breath that can kill a cockroach at four feet. Your husband snores so loud you have to wear ear plugs and noise cancellation headphones on the other side of the house just to get a decent hour of sleep. These are your precious gifts from God, ladies, his being capable of watching two ball games at once while eating potato chops, belching, simultaneously. Amen to that, right?

We need to start looking at all aspects of marriage and determine if we are ready for that type of commitment, and if we aren't, we need to do what needs to be done to get there.

Men. You are the provider. You are the builder, the creator, the cultivator. It is your responsibility to lead your family. You need to be the man she needs you to be - when she finds out she has breast cancer, when she has a miscarriage, in these moments you need to be ready to be present, not running from these difficult situations, so you can be there to give her the love and comfort only a husband can provide. Take a leap if faith, ask the girl out! Goodness. She's waiting for you to show her you care. They've been waiting far too long for you to man up and take responsibility.

Women. Men are not the complex individuals you are. We don't only want one thing. Yes, one of those things might be sex, but we want to be wanted, to be needed, to be affirmed by you. I know it sounds a little archaic, but we want to be your hero. Don't give up on us. There are things you need to let go of. Keep your standards biblical, stop looking for "Prince Charming". Some of your expectations are ridiculous. Stop trying to mold him into your ideal puppet. There is no such thing as a perfect man, but there is a man that wants to die for you and protect you and love you. It's not wrong to want a husband, and you don't need to change who you are to get one.

We need to let go of this idea that when we meet the boy or girl we want to marry that we will finally be satisfied. We won't be. Your spouse will never complete you, and you will never be enough for them. 

"Thanks Bryan, now I feel depressed, discouraged and disheartened. #foreveralone"

You're welcome!

Life isn't about being happy. It is not about you and it is not about me. Fortunately, we have a God who is the giver of all good gifts, and He has uniquely designed and masterfully crafted a husband/wife for you, who will lead you and help you become the person He needs you to be. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Trust that He will finish the mighty work He has begun in your life. He is always faithful.

Much love, Choose Joy.

Insanity

Sadistic. Unrealistic. Surveyors of the improbable, undertakers of the impossible. Whats wrong with us? Everything. We live for the pressure, the pain. Flagellants, stupidity. Insanity. Dobby the House Elf. Hopelessly Romantic.

I feared I was straying from my original rhyme and reason of my creative excursion. Going back and re-reading everything from the beginning, I assured myself that yes, indeed, this is the musings of someone who is "hopelessly romantic". You know what else I noticed? I'm clearly insane. 

I preferred to use www.urbandictionary.com rather than Webster's Dictionary because I'm, in fact, not a professional and do not care. So shut up, leave me alone. Urban Dictionary defines Hopeless Romantics as the following: "This person is in love with love. They believe in fairy tales and love. They're not to be confused with stalkers or creepers, because that's not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists, the sentimental dreamers, imaginative and fanciful when you get to know them. They often live with rose colored glasses on. They make love look like an art form..."

Well, that was almost too flowery for my tastes. How cute.

Albert Einstein described Hopeless Romantics much, MUCH better...

"...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

But Ben, wasn't Einstein talking about insanity when he said that?

IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

Upon re-reading everything, I noticed a pattern that I'm sure is shared by all my fellow romantics our there. We never learn from history, but rather constantly repeat it. Emotionally stunted friends of mine fall in love, get crushed, and quit.

"If you were surfing, and got attacked by a shark, would you quit surfing

...Yeah, probably" - Forgetting Sarah Marshall

This makes SO much sense!

Why do we constantly situate oursleves into horrible patterns?

Attraction -> Infatuation -> "The Chase" -> Love -> Crushing Ultra Mega Despair

It would make far more sense to learn from our mistakes, and submit to being governed by the more generally accepted rules of dating and romance. I'm going to try that for a while, actually. So, I quit this blog. I quit writing. Thank you, loyal readers for your continued readership and support thus far.

~le fin.

What?! No.

That would be quitting, when you obviously should. Which hopeless romantics obviously don't do.
But why don't we? What fuels us constantly, to be able to stand up after the most crushing blows? 

Whats the point? The prize is the point. We're so driven by the fact that there is only one thing in our worldly existence that we want: to love, and be loved. 

Love cannot be crushed, or eaten by a shark. It's indestructible. An impenetrable fortress. The adventure of falling in love is one that we can, and should fall down and get up for.

When you finally fall enough, and stand up for what you don't know is the very last time...she'll appreciate that you did, and love you that much more. Broken, bruised, and battle-scarred, she'll treat your wounds like a battlefield nurse. With hot soup and and saturated saltines, you'll forget that trials and tribulations what lay behind you.

Could you even look back? 

Whoever she is, Whoever she may be

In one of these faceless blog posts that I made before – I talked about how it’s impossible to be in a successful relationship and not embrace the notion that you will change. I can’t count how many supposedly happy couples have told me “Oh, we’re happy because we love each other the way we are,” or “He’s great because he doesn’t make me change who I am,” and my favorite “If she thinks I’m going to change for her, she has another thing coming.” Hahaha. Haha. Next paragraph, I can’t even handle it anymore.

Good luck not changing. Good luck thinking that finding someone that’s “ok with you” is the secret to happiness. Let’s face it, you are not ok. I might not be the most well read in relationships, I’ve only had a few and they’ve all failed – they’ve never ended well. I will, however, tell you one thing that I do know for sure: they would have ended a lot sooner if I would have adopted that misguided ideal that I’ve already made clear. People change. People change on their own. People change other people. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. But to assume that you don’t…or that your significant other doesn’t expect it of you…is just foolish.

Piggy-back on your charm forever? Nah. How bout them muscles? How’s that flashy Mustang? Muscles only hide the inability to string together a meaningful sentence about your feelings for so long, and your Mustang? What is that, 2013? Welcome to 2014, homeboy.

She’s going to change you. It’s inevitable. Don’t try to stop the sun from setting. You aren’t the British Empire (all you history buffs about there…dat Falkland lyfe). Here’s the trick, and it’s easier than it sounds: distinguish if she’s changing you for the better, or worse. I can’t count how many meaningful lessons I’ve learned from significant relationships. Not just lessons post-relationship, but during. Stay in a relationship with someone you truly care about for long enough, and you’ll be far more patient, nurturing, protective, and understanding. I mean, you could also become a jaded, disgruntled, cynical former shell of a human being, but we’ll call that the 5%...well, actually like the 15%...20%? I’m getting off track.

Heh.

Do you ever wish you became a boy scout? Or a girl scout? Always prepared, those guys. You want to know what I want? I want to be prepared. What’s harder than embracing change that you might not really want? What’s harder than accepting the necessity for change as it’s thrust upon you? I’ll tell you. Changing ahead of time, to satiate the requirements for that perfect girl. That apple of your eye. Why?

Because you (I) are probably not good enough.

“Have more self confidence, Ben!”
“You can have anyone, you’re such a catch!”

Also, shut up.

Wrong. Not a catch. It has nothing to do with confidence. It has everything with knowing yourself, and wanting her, and using that as the best motivation on Earth.

When I’m struggling, I close my eyes and think of her, whoever she may be.

It’s 1am. You still have to finish your Accounting homework. She deserves someone who got good grades. Someone who got a good job, to support her and your future children. Who will pay for her dream wedding.

You lean in and kiss her. Who is she? The apple of your eye? No. Some girl from some bar. You know she’s there. Why distract yourself with this random…bar girl? She deserves someone committed. Not committed? Practice.

She wants someone who loves Jesus, do you still? It’s Sunday morning, are you hungover? Are you sleepy, are you lazy? She deserves someone that will share her values.

When I’m tired, and it’s 1am, I think about my future, the job I will have, and the stability I will provide for her – and I finish my Accounting homework. One beer? Delicious. Two? Dangerous. Home, I’m done. I’m not that guy anymore. Sunday morning, I’m there. 

What am I doing?

Preparing. Practicing.

What are you doing?


 

Whats the point of living if you don't feel alive?

“What’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive?” This was the quote that helped shape the entire plot of my favorite Pierce Brosnan Bond movie, The World Is Not Enough. If you haven’t seen it yet – stop watching Skyfall, head down to your closest thrift store, and get yourself a copy. Heck, get yourself 2 copies. If you haven’t seen the movie, here is the premise: Rendard is this crazy psycho terrorist that wants to blow up Istanbul to prove a point, and he’s working with Elektra King (who you initially thought was a good guy). He actually had kidnapped Elektra King years before, and everyone thought she hated him, but actually she fell in love with him because Stockholm’s Syndrome is a real pain in the neck. Anyway, Bond figures this out after hearing them both use the phrase “What’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive?” My point actually has nothing to do with the movie itself, rather just the phrase. I just really love the movie. Just, remember the phrase because I’ll probably find a way to tie it in a little later. I haven’t written in this blog in over a year.

A year ago today, I was happily in a relationship. I mean – happy is me being objective, I’m sure there was general discontent and fights, there always are. But why have an opinion about love and romance if you aren’t searching for it? I had it, so if I had cute thoughts I just said them, rather than find a way to twist them into eloquent paragraphs which, lets face it, are just to get the attention some other girl while I’m single (don’t feel instantly special, this is not always the case – and isn’t now). Right after the break up, I wasn’t going to come back to write either. I had no positive inspiration – all my thoughts dripped with cynicism. In no way did I learn any lesson right off the bat. I was consumed not by constructive thoughts of bettering myself, or that misguided sense of clairvoyance that everyone seems to expect you to have, “Plenty of fish in the sea,” or “She just wasn’t the one”. Shut up. Leave me alone.

I was rather consumed by frustration only comparable to the frustration I  imagine toddlers learning to talk feel when adults don’t understand them. I’m very frustrated by the apparent timeline that exists to get over someone. If you share my favorite television show with me, a now cult-classic, “How I Met Your Mother,” you know of the gang’s opinions of how long it should take to get over someone. Do we identify with any of these?

Lily: Half the length of the relationship.

Marshall: One week for every month you were together.

Robin: Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes.

Barney: You can’t measure something like this in time; there’s a series of steps—from her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there. Neeeeext!

Well sorry mom, I’m not 100% better yet. Probably won’t be. How long has it been? Long enough, I’m sure. I’m not saying I’m pining and suffering day in and day out. But the longer-lasting effects of trust issues, higher standards/pickiness, the ice cream weight and self-pity/loathing can still linger on. But I think this is fine. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (look at me referencing all these movies and stuff. I should get a life.) talks about how these break-ups give you a sense of invincibility that nothing can take away from you. Now before you go jumping off of a cliff into freezing water, Bella Swan from the second Twilight movie - we're all looking at you, I think there might be a lesson to be learned from all the negativity that comes out of what we at one point considered positivity - and that, is being virtually indestructible.

Physical torture is never something we want to endure, and most of us would opt for emotional torture given the choice. But when we aren’t given that option, and emotional torture is thrust upon us, we vie for the former. As cliché as the phrase “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” is, I do believe it wholeheartedly. A close friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer a few years back, and – praise God, is now cancer free. He did, however, go through a phase of feeling invincible. If cancer can’t kill me, what can?

Well, for those of us that have felt the crushing despair of heartbreak we all know - that if that didn’t kill us – what can? We might not be invincible, but if our hearts and minds have our bodies convinced that we are, that’s as close as any of us are going to be able to get. What’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive? I guess there isn’t one. Feeling alive is different to all of us. I personally feel alive when I’m doing Jesus-related things, but I didn’t always.

So what should we do? Jump off cliffs if you have to, skydive. Buy a motorcycle. Learn to love Jesus and do all that jazz, that could possibly be the best for you.

Bake cakes and construct elaborate jewel heists.

Adopt a puppy and teach it sign language.

Walk around the coast of Australia. Maybe that’s what I’ll do.

Or don’t. Do whatever you want, I don’t really care. I obviously have my own things to deal with.

 Watch this video, though:

.