Into Darkness

One time, I dated a girl that did something I find quite comical…she had a tattoo in white ink on the back of her neck.  Not that a tattoo on the back of the neck is a bad thing, but what it said eventually struck me as odd. We had been talking for a couple weeks and had gone on a date or two when she told me about her tattoos over a mid-day texting conversation. I asked her what her tattoo said, and she replied without explanation, “Dans Les Tenebres”.  I remembered back to my high school foreign language requirement and recognized it, of course, as French.  In an attempt to appear intelligent and impressive, I messaged Mrs. Powers, my old French teacher and told her about the tattoo, hoping to tell this pretty girl that I did, in fact, know exactly what her tattoo meant. Mrs. Powers, was concerned to say the least. She explained that the literal translation was “Into Darkness”, however, when the word “Tenebres” is used in that context, it refers to a shadowy, evil darkness – rather than a literal darkness, or a figurative unknown. I instantly feared her, and her potentially evil tattoo. On the other hand, she was really really pretty so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Turns out, she did mean it in the figurative, adventurous sense rather an evil manifestation of where she stored her broom and cauldron. However, because of her beauty, and my determination to not strike out in the first inning, I did not burst her bubble (but I did secretly hold it against her).

Her unintentionally evil misquote of a French phrase did actually get me thinking about the phrase itself, “Into Darkness”. I became intoxicated by this concept of a different realm, manifesting itself as different versions of ourselves.  That’s what I want to talk about today. So thank you, intentionally nameless girl who I didn’t end up with because you cannot build a relationship on attraction alone, thank you for giving me this week’s topic. I can start now.

Last week, my close friend Bryan Betz appeared as a guest writer on this blog. If you haven’t yet read his post, I encourage you to. In his post, Bryan pointed out something quite humorous: when you get married, you’re actually marrying upwards of six people: your blushing bride, and her whole family.  As I get older and date more, I start to notice that when I start dating a girl for any period of time, she’s dating ten people.  Ten versions of Ben.

As I mentioned multiple times in other posts, I’m a firm believer that people change when they are in any impactful relationship. We grow for the better or worse, shaped by our experiences and mistakes (usually more by our mistakes). Every time a mistake is made, or a feat is accomplished – you create a new layer of yourself, carefully piled on top of who you already were.  I guess the kids are calling it “baggage” these days. I fear that term does not do who we are justice.

Very few people think far enough ahead to do or not do something to the benefit of their future husband or wife – rather, we live impulsively. We create these new versions of ourselves, clothed in the mistakes of our past, living exclusively in darkness.

As soon as you reach your hopeful stopping point in the form of that pretty, sun-kissed, sun-dress draped, cowgirl boot-wearing bombshell, you date her. And she dates you…and all the versions of you.  All the versions created by your mistakes. Maybe not right away, but eventually she’ll have to deal with your long list of sexual partners and your emotionally stunted views of long-term relationships because of your inability to escape from a high school alpha-male mentality. She will have to deal with the drugs, the alcohol – and all the tales that stalk you from some shadowy place you hope to not return to.  

We all know it to be true. A virgin cannot date someone with 15+ sexual partners and not feel inferior, insecure, or inexperienced.

Someone who does not drink cannot date someone who struggles, or has had struggles with drugs or alcoholism and not feel a slight tinge of superiority. 

Your layers of personal shadows and tragedy lead to layers of darkness being placed jointly on the couple, eventually distorting the original layers of the things we love: the attraction, chemistry, and connections that define two people as compatible.

So what do we do? We all have these layers that we want to shed (people who think they aren’t defined by their past need to understand that they are, in their own words, essentially infants), but we cannot.  Does that mean we should quit and not trudge forward? It’s an easy solution, and not one that I necessarily condone, or condemn. If you feel like you bring too much worldly darkness to the table, maybe you should be alone, honestly.

On the other hand, some of us want the sun-kissed, dress-draped, boot-wearing bombshell, despite our layers. So I suggest you pick yourself up by your own bootstraps, and go get her…

Heh. If only it were that easy. Guess what? Virgins don’t have to date those who embrace promiscuity. Teetotalers do not have to date a person with problems with alcohol, and drugs, or even someone who has struggled at some point in history. If your bombshell is one of those people, then you might just  be out of luck.

I could be a sexual deviant. I could be a alcoholic, or addicted to narcotics. I could be emotionally stunted, horrible at commitment and loyalty. I could be abusive. I could be all of these things, and so could you.  You could carry around layers and layers of darkness, that lurk in the alleyways that you pass as walking hand in hand after your first date at the museum.  As one of these people defined by these haunting inequities, I want to share a dream with you. A dream of how I wish things were…

I dream that honesty actually transpired, often. I dream that vulnerability existed in both men, and women. I dream that once comfort is achieved, we could share our layers, share our demons. I dream that as we walk down the brightly lit street together, passing dark alleyways, we would walk back to back, vigilantly scanning the darkness for each other’s demons – never letting them approach.

I dream that we would follow each other, back to back, into darkness.

Guest Post: Bryan Betz, "Christian thoughts on Singleness"

GUEST WRITER: BRYAN BETZ

Being the Hopeful Romanceless that I am, I, like many of those who put “Single” as their relationship status nowadays, am inclined to declare that those who are married or in committed dating relationships are the lucky ones. People who have significant others are more fortunate than people who don’t. Simply put, “Taken” people are happier than “Single” people.

I mean, it’s easy to say that, right? Taken people can have conversations whenever they’d like, sex whenever they’d like, and stare deep into each other’s eyes whenever they’d like. That’s social, physical, and emotional satisfaction right there! In fact, I hear you can do all three at once, hypothetically speaking… I haven’t experienced this myself but I have married friends who talk WAY too much.

Taken people tend to pick on us single people as well. They don’t mean to, but they do. Those of us Singles who are getting into our mid-to-late twenties and even thirties hear about it all the time. It gets worse as we get older because we have way too many people pestering us about our love lives.

To clarify, I am not saying Singles have it worse than Takens. Marriage isn’t easy. The way we view it, prepare for it, and handle it, only makes things more difficult. You don’t just become responsible for yourself, but you have a responsibility of a spouse, and kids (if you had too much fun together). In a committed dating relationship, specifically one that has been going for a while, you can have some of those responsibilities as well (hopefully not all of them though). People become complacent and, without getting too much into it (I would rather tackle “Taken-ness” another time), people get tired. They get lazy. They get distracted, and some even forget why they fell in love. How do you forget something like that? Rather than confronting the issue, or even just putting that little extra effort to express our passion for our loves, we make excuses.

I think a lot of us don’t realize that we use a specific excuse that I want to make light of. I actually realized I’ve been using it a lot lately. Whenever I’m having a bad day, wrestling with all the crap life is throwing at me, people ask me what’s wrong. If it’s someone I’d rather not share with, my response is usually, “Nothing,” which isn’t the right answer. Why not just say, “I’d rather not say, but I appreciate you asking,”? Why not make things simple?

Coincidentally, my other response to the question is, “It’s complicated.” But honestly, it isn’t. I am lonely. Work is tough. My relationship with family isn’t where I want it to be. I miss home. I want to hold hands with a pretty girl. I finished my coffee ice cream and now I have none. I want to be with my friends. I want to be with people I love.

The proper response should have been, “Life is difficult.” It is difficult to tell you because I don’t want to be vulnerable. It is difficult because I don’t want to share details that would put more weight on my already heavy heart by reminding myself of just how burdensome this all is. So, I end up refraining and running away from these issues and running away from you. We do this to people who care - our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our wives, our husbands.

If the way you have been viewing relationships, dating, finding a significant other, etc. has not been working, then that is why I’m here. Not to try to change you or “fix” you, because I can’t. I’m just offering a new lens to filter all of these things through so you can see them more clearly, or at least from a different perspective? 

The truth is, relationships are far simpler than they appear on the surface, and if you are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, there are a few things that should be understood. First and foremost, find someone who loves God - who truly strives to put His will before his/her own. It’s honorable when someone commits to putting her husband or his wife first, but pursuing Christ regardless of whether or not both his/her needs and desires are met will always be worth waiting for. A man or a woman who will put God before you, regardless of how long you have been together or how madly in love you are with each other, needs to be the first non-negotiable when looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.

To clarify, I don’t want to just give you red flags and send you on your way. I think when pursuing a relationship with someone, God should be at the forefront of your mind when making that decision (or any decision, really). Still, some of these things could be a determining factor of whether it will be a healthy relationship with someone or not.

Find someone who honors their parents, and has a great relationship with them, especially guys who have a great relationship with their mother, and girls who have a great relationship with their father. Ladies, find a guy who treats women well, a track record so to speak of good, positive relationships with the opposite sex. Men, I encourage you to find a woman who honors her father.

When you marry the love of your life, you don’t marry just one person. In fact, on your wedding day, six people get married. You marry your in-laws. Unfortunately in today’s society, it is hard to find families that are together, and people whose parents stayed together - so often there is a void in their life. So we need to be honest with ourselves and each other, confront our issues and seek God to make us whole. A significant other, no matter how in tune with Jesus he or she is, is not going to complete you.

If you are looking for a relationship to fulfill you or even to make you happy, you have a distorted view of what being in a relationship is all about.

God created men to be cultivators. When He created Adam, He saw that in order for Adam to be the cultivator he was designed to be, he needed help. So God created Eve out from Adam. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone so He creates the woman and in so doing creates marriage. For man to be all that He needs him to be, He gives him woman and woman combined with man will make him the cultivator, the creator, the man He wants him to be.

I think a lot of believers have a terrible perspectives on dating. You have those who go about pursuing women like they used to pre-Jesus, at bars or clubs or what have you, and then you have those who go about relationships according to really bad Christian dating books. I hate over generalizing and putting people in boxes, but it’s just a dumb blog post get over it.

You have these people who are too desperate and impatient to find their future husband or wife and they look in all the wrong places and look for all the wrong people and they go about it in all the wrong ways. Then there are other sides of the spectrum[s?] where people are stagnant and they think that God is going to bring them someone to their doorstep. Unfortunately, I have heard from Christian circles that if you are single you are supposed to not want to get married, but be content in your singleness. Instead of actively pursuing a life that is glorifying to God’s design for you as single person - to become one with someone else in marriage, you are led to believe that once you find contentment in your singleness, He will bring you Mr. or Ms. Right. I’m tired of seeing so many lazy men just waiting for God to bring a hot girl to them like a hot pizza delivery. Men have become lousy lovers, but that's a topic I’ll touch more on when I talk about takenness.

To the single ladies, there is nothing wrong or sinful with desiring a husband. Nothing. Don’t listen to those who tell you otherwise. God wired you for that, why would that be a feeling or desire that you suppress? Men, same for you, there is nothing wrong or sinful for you desiring a wife.

You do need to be content with where you are today, just as much as you need to be content with what God is doing in your life today, but God delivered you from the crappy person you were yesterday, and you can count on Him to finish the mighty work He began.

It’s okay to want a husband. It’s okay to want a wife. We were designed for this. God says when man finds a wife, he has found a good thing!

Personally, this frustrates me. I have been one to settle for my singleness and I have been one to lie and make excuses about my contentment and there are these two voices that are conflicting with one another, one saying, “Be content with where God has you,” and the other saying, “God needs you here and you shouldn't be content until you’re there.”

We just need to seek that balance. “God loves us just as we are, but loves us too much to keep us there.” My old mentor’s wife told me that once and it’s been in my head ever since. All of these things, they aren't just applicable to how we view and handle our relationships and dating, it applies to every compartment of our life.

We do need to be honest with ourselves, and each other. The things we think will happen when we finally enter that relationship we've been dreaming of...are not going to happen. Married couples will tell you all the lies they used to tell each other: "Oh pretty soon we're going to be in each other's arms", "Ahh it's going to be wonderful, and we're just going to look at the moon and cuddle and communicate," "I'll just rest in your lap while you read me poetry or psalms or songs of Solomon it's just going to be wonderful." These are some people's expectations for marriage...and then they get married, reality smacks them in the face - and they've become disillusioned.

You find that your wife has morning breath that can kill a cockroach at four feet. Your husband snores so loud you have to wear ear plugs and noise cancellation headphones on the other side of the house just to get a decent hour of sleep. These are your precious gifts from God, ladies, his being capable of watching two ball games at once while eating potato chops, belching, simultaneously. Amen to that, right?

We need to start looking at all aspects of marriage and determine if we are ready for that type of commitment, and if we aren't, we need to do what needs to be done to get there.

Men. You are the provider. You are the builder, the creator, the cultivator. It is your responsibility to lead your family. You need to be the man she needs you to be - when she finds out she has breast cancer, when she has a miscarriage, in these moments you need to be ready to be present, not running from these difficult situations, so you can be there to give her the love and comfort only a husband can provide. Take a leap if faith, ask the girl out! Goodness. She's waiting for you to show her you care. They've been waiting far too long for you to man up and take responsibility.

Women. Men are not the complex individuals you are. We don't only want one thing. Yes, one of those things might be sex, but we want to be wanted, to be needed, to be affirmed by you. I know it sounds a little archaic, but we want to be your hero. Don't give up on us. There are things you need to let go of. Keep your standards biblical, stop looking for "Prince Charming". Some of your expectations are ridiculous. Stop trying to mold him into your ideal puppet. There is no such thing as a perfect man, but there is a man that wants to die for you and protect you and love you. It's not wrong to want a husband, and you don't need to change who you are to get one.

We need to let go of this idea that when we meet the boy or girl we want to marry that we will finally be satisfied. We won't be. Your spouse will never complete you, and you will never be enough for them. 

"Thanks Bryan, now I feel depressed, discouraged and disheartened. #foreveralone"

You're welcome!

Life isn't about being happy. It is not about you and it is not about me. Fortunately, we have a God who is the giver of all good gifts, and He has uniquely designed and masterfully crafted a husband/wife for you, who will lead you and help you become the person He needs you to be. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Trust that He will finish the mighty work He has begun in your life. He is always faithful.

Much love, Choose Joy.