From cooking mistakes, cleaning mistakes, to attire mistakes, and many many more, use this guide to not fail where failure is probable.
Find out what happens when you invite her to...
YOUR PLACE
Congratulations, you've managed to charm a woman enough on the first, second, or third date enough that she has agreed to traverse into your domain, to be fed a hearty supper, thereby allowing you to show off your skills in the kitchen - a very valuable set of skills to have. However, many a thing can go wrong. As you probably know, an evening at your place will be far more complex than a knock on the door, serving of dinner, a kiss goodnight, and walking her to her car. The things that must be prepared are almost as meticulous as that of my first post, on your first date. Let's take a look at the steps to prepare your "pad" for having a female over as company. Here are a few categories I feel get lost in translation:
- Cleaning: Your bachelor pad should resemble a furnished model home. Sheets need to be clean, beds made. Clothes folded and not strewn about all willy-nilly. It would be wise, in my opinion, to not have the washer or dryer running when she arrives, as not to show how badly you procrastinated. The dishes should be done with the exception of the ones you are using to prepare dinner, and the table set. The biggest point of failure will be your bathroom. I am a firm believer that boy's bathrooms are seldom messier than women's, but we deep clean far less often. Make sure the towels are clean and folded, clean washcloths, etc. Make sure there isn't toothpaste splatters all over the mirror, and stuck to the sick. Make sure beard hair trimmings don't litter the counter. For heaven's sake, make sure the toilet is cleaned inside and out (bonus points if you clean the outside and back - I did have one guest that admitted to checking). Empty the trashes, and close the shower curtain. Make sure there's toilet paper. Hide this month's issue of "Motorcycle Trader". Your bathroom doesn't have to lose it's manly simplicity, nor does it have to succumb to decorative potpourri and flowers, just make sure it's spotless.
- Cooking: There are two routes to take: you can have dinner ready when she walks through the door, or you could cook for her there. When deciding which approach, take a few factors into consideration: what time is she arriving? If she is arriving at 9pm, chances are that waiting for you to put together a 4-course meal isn't going to be ideal as both of your stomachs will growl wildly, demanding sustenance. Are you confident in your cooking abilities? If so, you might want to have her watch you make dinner as you visit, as I have found most women are attracted to men that know their way around the kitchen. If you're terrible at cooking, you burn everything, and dinner is actually just Olive Garden takeout that you've dressed up on your mother's fine china, just have it sitting on the table when she walks in. As for what to cook, there are three big rules: don't make anything messy, spicy, or something you've never made before. You need to know exactly what you're cooking so you know it will turn out perfect, and you won't look like a fool constantly flipping through cajun reference texts, panicking as eight different egg timers ding incessantly. I recommend having two or three recipes in your arsenal that you have perfected (mine are ricotta stuffed shells and french onion soup). Also, make sure your pairings make sense. For my stuffed shells, I serve it with garlic bread and an Italian salad with black olives, carrot ribbons, kalamata olives, feta cheese, etc. Don't serve potatoes AND rice, etc.
- Alcohol: You should know from previous dates if she likes a drink with dinner. I think very rarely, at least in my experience, is she going to expect you to prepare a mixed drink, or have a crystal decanter with 65 year old Macallan single-malt. Typically a nice bottle of wine will work. Be aware of basic wine pairings, and the more specific you can get, the better. If you know that a Chardonnay (a buttery, sometimes dry white wine) goes well with shrimp scampi and flaky white fish, fantastic. If you know that a Chianti is going to go with a steak, while a Zinfandel would be better with a pot roast, great. However, at the very least know that red wine goes with red meat, and white wine goes with fish. That will at least get you through the night. Don't buy a cheap bottle (please stay away from Barefoot, Carlo Rossi, and Kendall Jackson), $10-20 is probably a solid price range, but you can always go higher. Beer is fine if you know she prefers beer, but get a nice craft beer or local microbrew. Nobody likes drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon with a porterhouse steak.
- Dessert: You don't have to make homemade dessert, you've already gone to the trouble and proved your worth with dinner. Ice cream is fine, and chances are her heart will melt if you procure from the freezer a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, her favorite flavor, which you know from gentle quizzing over the first or second date.
- Activity: Because this is not a guide on how to engage in premarital relations, I will not comment on whatever debauchery follows dinner. However, assuming you, the reader, are a respectful Christian gentleman, I shall offer some gentle suggestions on potential fun after-dinner activities.
- #1: Watching a Movie: This could very well be the first time you two have been alone, which can be a good time to break a couple barriers, and a movie does this well. Typically your date will never willingly select a movie, despite your extensive library of Steven Segal films. I find the best compromise is to have her select a genre she enjoys, and then you select the film, or perhaps just narrow down her choices between 2-4 of your personal favorites that you enjoy. Now once the film starts, assuming there is no bowl of popcorn between the two of you, there a are a couple cuddling approaches you may take. You might hop onto the couch, and immediately put an arm around her, as if that is what was expected anyway (high-risk, high-reward). The second option is to sit close to her, even though there is plenty of room to evenly divide the couch. This will show your intent to cuddle and/or hold hands during the movie, without being so presumptuous as to jump right in. How you advance from there is up to you. Now, the lowest-risk, lowest reward scenario is where you sit on opposite sides of the couch, and you quietly tell yourself between cold sweats that after this next scene you'll make some sort of move - despite how readily available her hand is for holding.
- #2: Board Games: These are pretty boring. Save them for when you've been together for months or years and can't think of anything else to fill your time. Sure, they might be good ice-breakers, and fun activity, but no one wants to end a nice romantic evening over a game of Chutes and Ladders (anyone still play that? did anyone EVER play that?)
- #3: A Walk: If you live in a nice neighborhood, it's not too dark, and the weather is nice, an after-dinner walk could be quite rewarding. The same hand-holding rules apply as in the movie-watching scenario. This situation gets much better if you have a fun dog (and if she loves dogs) to walk with you. Also, an after-dinners walk could bleed right into number four.
- #4: Stargazing: Pretty self explanatory. Find a nice grass field free of large accumulations of moisture, and watch the stars. At this point, you can let your inner-nerd shine a bit and she shouldn't mind - so brush up on basic astronomy and know which constellations and planets you can see from your viewing spot. Also, same hand-holding and cuddling rules apply.
- Frequently Asked Questions:
- What if she falls asleep during the movie?
- Good question, friend. Assess the situation as best as possible. If she lives with parents, or concerned roommates, it might be best to wake her up at the conclusion of the movie with a cup of coffee so she is more alert to drive home. If she has had a couple glasses of wine, offer to drive her home and then bring her back to get her car tomorrow (assuming you are safe to drive). Another option, typically the last, is to let her sleep over in your bed, while you be a chivalrous gentleman and take the couch (remember, you cleaned the sheets). This is typically the last choice because of the impression it gives to others, and the implications for inappropriate things to happen (again, I will not comment on any debauchery, because that is not my intention or creed).
- Uh oh, I burned the food! Whats my backup?
- Easy there, partner, mistakes happen. Theres not really going to be any hiding it, so the best thing to do is laugh about it. Keep a couple take-out menus in a nearby drawer, or even have a backup reservation made just in case. If she likes you enough to be there, she'll find it humorous as long as you don't let it get to you. Humor is key, mi amigo.
- She's allergic to the food!
- Do some recon ahead of time, and know her allergies. If an unknown allergy occurs, taking Benadryl as quick as possible can lessen the symptoms. If they go into Anaphylactic shock and their throat starts to close, get them to medical attention as quick as possible. Hopefully if she has an allergy that intense, she will have an Epi-Pen, probably in her purse. There will be instructions on how to use it if she is otherwise incapacitated.
- I have a roommate, but I want the house to myself!
- If you have a roommate, he's probably a good friend, and will understand. If you feel really bad, throw him a twenty to go catch a movie or a beer with the rest of the guys. However, you must still respect that it is his place too.
Be careful as you traverse the murky waters of having a female into your domain. The entire situation is high-risk, high-reward.
Just remember, cook well, converse, and clean: no one thinks your underwear hanging off of doorknobs is cute. Not even your mother.
Have any other questions, or a topic you think I should cover? E-mail me at benblogsthings@gmail.com
